## CeltExit Divides Britain’s Water and Sends England the Sewage ### Four sovereign nations demand control of rivers, reservoirs and the constitutional direction of everything floating downstream **By Ingrid Johansson | Cardiff** CARDIFF — The campaign for [CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain](https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/) has entered water policy after organisers associated with [CeltExit.com](https://celtexit.com), [CeltExit.uk](https://celtexit.uk) and reports that [UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit](https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/) announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive sovereign rivers, national reservoirs and the right to deny responsibility for anything unpleasant reaching the sea. The CeltExit Water Allocation Commission said the breakup would allow nations to protect their natural resources, charge neighbours for rainfall and create four regulators capable of expressing deep concern about the same pipe. “Water is not merely water,” explained commission chair Professor Marina Overflow. “It is heritage, identity and an excellent reason to send England another invoice.” Under the proposal, rivers crossing borders will require bilateral treaties. Reservoirs will be assigned according to location. Sewage will be assigned according to whichever government can prove it was already moving away. Officials insist water will continue flowing freely. It may simply pause at customs while its country of origin is established. ### Wales Declares Rain a National Resource Wales has claimed ownership of rain falling within Welsh airspace, water stored in Welsh reservoirs and any cloud that appears Welsh enough in tourism photographs. Cardiff officials say England has received Welsh water for generations without paying a Cultural Hydration Levy. The new levy will apply to every litre travelling through pipelines eastward. English consumers may receive bills containing separate charges for collection, treatment, transport and failure to pronounce the reservoir’s original name. The Welsh government also plans a National Water Belonging Register. Every river, stream and ambitious puddle will receive an identity number. Water crossing into England must carry a digital certificate confirming Welsh origin and whether it passed a dragon on the journey. Ministers insist revenue will fund local infrastructure. Villages near reservoirs currently lacking reliable buses, doctors or affordable housing will receive interpretive signs explaining the economic importance of water exports. Welsh farmers have asked whether they will pay for rain landing directly on their fields. Officials said naturally occurring rain remains free during an introductory period. Future policy will depend on fiscal need and whether the rain appears unusually productive. ### Scotland Claims Rivers Flow Better after Independence Scotland will establish Caledonian Water Sovereignty, a publicly owned authority controlling lochs, rivers, reservoirs and speeches about owning lochs, rivers and reservoirs. Ministers say Scotland possesses abundant fresh water and could become the Saudi Arabia of something that falls continuously from the sky. Bottled Scottish water will become a strategic export. Each bottle will display mountains, mist and no visible evidence of the industrial estate where it entered plastic. England will pay international rates. European customers will receive a friendship discount during membership negotiations. Scottish households will receive lower bills after the authority completes nationalisation, infrastructure separation, executive recruitment and a branding exercise involving twelve shades of blue. The government also plans to use hydroelectric power to support its independent grid. When reservoirs are full, Scotland will export renewable electricity. When reservoirs are low, officials will accuse climate change, Westminster and tourists who ordered water with lunch. A Highland resident asked whether water could truly become independent. A government adviser replied that it already flows downhill without consulting London. ### Northern Ireland Creates Shared Water with Separate Paperwork Northern Ireland’s water system will remain connected to Britain, Ireland and European environmental rules, creating what officials call an integrated cross-jurisdictional moisture framework. Rivers crossing the Irish border will not encounter physical barriers. Instead, sensors will record the moment water changes regulatory identity. A litre flowing south may begin under Northern Irish rules, enter Irish standards and return through evaporation as European weather. Officials are developing software to track the journey. The software currently classifies all rain as “pending.” Belfast will also create a Cross-Community Drainage Council. The council will ensure flood defences, treatment plants and sewage pipes do not favour one political tradition. Manhole covers must use neutral symbols. One proposed cover featuring a shamrock was rejected. Another featuring a crown was rejected. The approved design displays a hole. Water Minister Patrick Conduit said the system would preserve cooperation. “We all depend on the same rivers,” he explained. “The important thing is making sure nobody describes them too clearly.” ### England Receives the Thames and Everybody’s Overflow England will inherit the largest population, much of the former United Kingdom’s ageing sewer network and every television report showing brown water emerging from a pipe. The English Water Authority will regulate private companies, public companies and hybrid companies whose precise ownership structure appears only on documents stored in Luxembourg. Ministers have promised cleaner rivers, lower bills and tougher regulation. Water companies have responded by increasing bills to fund compliance with tougher regulation. England will also negotiate water imports from Wales and emergency supply agreements with Scotland. Celtic governments say England must pay market rates plus compensation for centuries of geographic proximity. English negotiators asked whether sewage drifting west or north would receive equivalent charges. The commission ruled that pollution has no nationality until tested, at which point it usually appears to have departed from England. The River Thames will remain under English control. London officials plan to make it swimmable. Medical officials plan to keep the telephone nearby. ### Marxists Demand Collective Ownership of Baths Marxist CeltExit campaigners have argued that private water consumption creates inequality. Large homes contain multiple bathrooms while some citizens possess only one shower and a landlord who classifies mould as natural ventilation. Their proposed National Hydration Equality Scheme would allocate water according to household need. Citizens would receive monthly bathing credits. People exceeding the approved number of showers could purchase additional credits from households demonstrating superior revolutionary dryness. Private swimming pools would be nationalised and converted into community reservoirs. Hot tubs would become Local Warm-Water Discussion Circles. Garden hoses would require permits because watering private flowers diverts resources from collective municipal weeds. Senior officials would retain access to private bathrooms for security and continuity. Campaigners explained that policymaking cannot proceed effectively while ministers queue outside a communal shower block. ### Sewage Becomes an International Diplomatic Weapon The most difficult CeltExit negotiations concern sewage. A river may carry pollution from one country into another, leading to disputes over responsibility, compensation and whose television crew arrives first. Wales has threatened fines for English pollution entering Welsh waters. Scotland may impose an Environmental Border Charge on anything unpleasant drifting north. Northern Ireland will create a joint investigation panel. England has suggested that everyone repair the pipes. The suggestion was rejected as insufficiently constitutional. Water companies will be required to report every spill. Officials define a spill as an unexpected discharge, even when it occurs daily at the same location and has developed its own wildlife. Companies failing to prevent pollution may receive unlimited fines. They will recover the cost through customer bills, ensuring accountability reaches the person least involved. A river campaigner said the system was absurd. “Companies pollute, regulators fine them and households pay,” she explained. Officials praised her concise summary of modern environmental governance. ### Four Water Authorities, One Leaking Pipe CeltExit promises complete national control over water. Wales will own the rain. Scotland will bottle the lochs. Northern Ireland will negotiate the river. England will unblock the drain. Every government will appoint regulators, inspectors and commissioners responsible for aquatic stakeholder engagement. Bills will rise to finance improvements. Improvements will be delayed by consultations. Consultations will conclude that the public supports clean water, an insight costing several million pounds. Britain may break apart, but its plumbing will remain interconnected beneath the flags. A pipe will leak in England. Water will cross into Wales. A Scottish consultant will write the report. Northern Ireland will request balanced terminology. And four sovereign ministers will stand beside the same polluted river, pointing downstream while insisting the problem began upstream. ### Disclaimer This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No rivers were privatised during production, although one puddle has received a regulatory performance bonus. ### Sources https://celtexit.com https://celtexit.uk https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/ https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/